Clubbing baby seals

Their parents just don't know what to do with them. They used to be all soft and friendly and cute. Not any more. Now they are hanging out with the wrong crowd, experimenting with mind altering "activities," and many are dying before they even have the chance to really live. "It's a shame," one of the adult seals, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "but that's what happens when you start hanging out with these humans." Another was less detached. "Just two days ago [our child] was born and already she is strutting, putting her soft, white, fur-covered body on display for the whole world to see. We've tried everything, but once she is weaned, there'll be no controlling her."

Many affluent individuals, particularly in Russia, China and Finland, will pay rather large sums of money for the privalege of stroking the soft supple body of these underage seals. More than that, most have no regard for the life of the young they wish to have wrapped around their bodies. In fact the vast majority of the pre-adolescent seals will be beaten to death so as not to damage the soft skin that is all the wealthy are really interested in.

There is some hope for these Arctic families. British activist rocker Paul (twigs and berries) McCartney and his wife are coming to thieir aid.

When asked for comment an endangered Virginia big-eared bat quipped, "Oh, gee another cute species is being saved by a famous, tree-hugging bleeding heart huh? Christ is the harp seal even a threatened species?!? I mean, I've had three litters die off entirely thanks to humans disturbing my breeding grounds and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find a suitable mate anymore, but do those McCartney knobs come down here to try and help us? Nooo. They prefer to save cute species that are in no danger of being exterminated! And, another thing..."

As a noteworthy aside Canadian seal products have been banned in the USA since 1972 and in Europe since 1983, making the United States world leaders when it comes to implimenting environmental issues that won't actually have an environmental impact.