If you are here as the result of clicking a link in an e-mail, then I apologize for getting all in your inbox. Well, not really. This is a petition to write in Jacob B. Ketter (me) for United States representative, or, really any race that you don't care about.
I hate the direction politics has taken. I trust very few politicians. I do think that $160k per year is a huge salary. I have opinions. I express them. Because of those last two I am a horrible candidate for United States representative. I'm not on the ballot.
I want to be though, and not just for the $160k /year. I want to be on the floor of the large legislative body that is the US House of Representatives with sock puppets. I want to have my [diatribes] broacast on CSPAN where as many as 12 people could see them. I want to be marginalized by the majority party (whoever it is) to committees with little real impact; even there I want to have my opinions ignored because I am not one of "them." I want to spark huge volumes of hate mail by saying things like "parents are the real problem," and "really, the second ammendment is obsolete." I want to post rants in my web log that are actually read. I want people with too much time on their hands and who concentrate on a single issue to be upset that I voted against/for said issue without having read the thousands of pages of documents for/against it, while ignoring the fact that there is more printed material produced in a congressional year than is possible for a single person to read, much less to read comprehensively, make an informed decision and then vote on. I want to pick my battles. I want to write very long winded sentences so that I seem more important and that allude in my mind to Faulkner, but really hope that the point will be lost on lesser folk who got too wrapped up in my loquacious manner and maybe gave up so that they will never really know that I am, for better or worse, rather sarcastic, and to a certain extent that I look with disdain on those who are incapable of finding humor in such statements, or, really even incapable of finishing the reading of said statements, though maybe I should not use punctuation specifically commas or dashes either... I want to make promises.
I promise that, if elected, I will look for a really nice house in the D.C. area. I will not hire prostitutes, unless they are cheaper than interns (you know, for doing my filing, reading my emails, and whatnot). I will not lie about doing drugs. I will work less than 100 days a year. I will not take off to watch golf. I will not f***ing censor myself so as not to offend jacka**es. (Hey, I haven't f***ing been elected yet, s***-for-brains.) I will vote for any and all increases in [my] salary. I will state, publically, that it is simply a "cost of living" increase. I will vote against any bill that tries to limit our access to the internet/violent games/pornography. I will tell people that the reason is protection of our freedom of speech. I will really just think the government should stay the hell out of my life. I will oppose massive spending on everything. I will support high levels of targeted spending. I will wear flip-flops symbolically. I will watch the first round of the NCAA men's basketball tournament, even if Congress is in session, on the floor if possible. I will vote for increases in income tax for people in the top two income brackets. I will fill out my bracket favoring KU and UNC, and I will most likely particiape in a pool somewhere. I will fully support tax cuts that lead to the elimination of taxes for those making under $25k/year. I will vote to raise the minimum wage so that those freeloaders have to pay taxes again. I will oppose any tax cut that reduces the income tax owed by either of the top two brackets, or that owed from most capital gains (stocks, real estate as investment) or inheritance by the wealthy. I will vote against any bill that grants additional power to the President of the United States. I will make science related decisions based on science. I will point out to other members of congress that I have a PhD in chemistry, because it will make people who disagree with me look like morons. I will fully support education because I have a secret desire to be able to stand humanity. I will support efforts that make sure our troops get into body armor and out of wars started by executive hubris. I will use verbiage that will make people open dictionaries, hopefully resulting in bemused expressions. I will be sure to be as ambiguous as possible so that, in the case that I change my mind/opinion in the future, I will be able to use my stellar reasoning abilities to point out that I didn't, really. I will support protection from prosecution for anyone who assaults someone for speeking using IM acronyms (lol, iirc, stfu, ...). I will speak out against the death penalty. I will try to avoid, at all costs, pissing off Wilford Brimley. I will be a vote for all Americans that I represent, and I will do my best to tell you why I am right.
If you are a disenchanted, disinterested voter, then do something more productive when you are at the poll. Write in "Jacob Ketter" for United States Represenative and cast your vote. If you're not sure which that is, write me in in all of them. (Note: Imagine, now, that I have a tear in my eye...now continue.) I have no chance of winning, but if even 1% of [my] district can vote for me, then maybe the rest of this country will sit up and realize that their voice doesn't have to be ignored.
P.S. Oh, yea, I currently live in IL 9th, but, as it's an apartment, I don't have family keeping me here, and will be moving to the District of Columbia anyway, please feel free to write me in no matter where you live.
P.P.S. This may change. Changes will not reflect shifts in opinion but refinement of ideas, inclusion of things I forgot, corrections, and maybe inclusion of others' ideas if I agree.
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